MBTI & Emotional Health (2/3)

To improve emotional intelligence, it is necessary to be more mindful of when emotions first arise. Negative emotional reactions often occur when a person is unable to reconcile what they want to happen with what is actually happening or has happened. The longer this inner conflict between expectations versus reality remains unresolved, the more opportunity there is for emotions to intensify. For example, a mild frustration, left to fester, can spiral into sadness and then depression, or escalate into anger and then aggression.

Since the first, mildest, step of an emotional spiral usually occurs below consciousness, how can one catch emotions early? The first step is to develop better awareness of how emotions manifest physically in your body, such as changes in breathing, heart rate, or muscle tension. The next step is to understand the concept of emotional triggers.

An emotional trigger is a predictable pattern of stimuli that produces emotional arousal. For example, people who suffer from social anxiety are easily triggered by meeting strangers, so any situation that requires them to interact with strangers will reliably arouse the same set of emotional reactions.

When you have good knowledge of emotional triggers, you are better able to predict troubling situations, which grants you a greater sense of psychological preparedness for handling them. Of course, there are individual differences in what stimuli people find triggering, since triggers are often formed through past experience. Therefore, I can only cover general triggers that are related to personality. You’ll have to reflect on what other triggers you might have formed through your personal experience.

Keep in mind that people don’t only use one function, so it is possible that only one function gets triggered or all of them do through a complex interaction. Generally speaking:

• SJ & NP:
  When healthy, the Si function motivates people to maintain a sense of stability through managing concrete details in familiar ways. Therefore, SJs tend to be easily triggered by lack of detail, inconsistency, unpreparedness. When Si is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by heavily detail-oriented work, repetition, monotony, conventionality.
• When healthy, the Ne function motivates people to maintain optimism through pursuing interesting ideas and possibilities. Therefore, NPs tend to be easily triggered by lack of inspiration, lack of opportunity, lack of progress. When Ne is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by impracticality, too much novelty, abrupt change, pessimism about future possibilities.

• NJ & SP:
  When healthy, the Ni function motivates people to proceed purposefully through life by considering implications and choosing ideal paths. Therefore, NJs tend to be easily triggered by superficiality, aimlessness, lack of foresight. When Ni is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by complexity, abstraction, pretension, fatalistic visions of the future.
• When healthy, the Se function motivates people to be fully present and attuned to the constant flux of sensory reality. Therefore, SPs tend to be easily triggered by lack of stimulation, lack of engagement, restrictions on movement. When Se is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by sensory issues, mundanity, uncertainty, harsh realities.

• TP & FJ:
  When healthy, the Ti function motivates people to establish confidence through mental clarity and self-mastery. Therefore, TPs tend to be easily triggered by inaccuracies, incoherence, incompetency. When Ti is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by confusion, self-doubt, low self-confidence, critical feedback.
• When healthy, the Fe function motivates people to maintain strong relational and emotional connections to the world. Therefore, FJs tend to be easily triggered by interpersonal conflict, antisocial behavior, guilt and shame. When Fe is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by dependence issues, emotional bias, relational intimacy, social pressures.

• FP & TJ:
  When healthy, the Fi function motivates people to maintain congruency between one’s preferences, values, identity, and behavior. Therefore, FPs tend to be easily triggered by insincerity, inauthenticity, invalidating treatment. When Fi is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by sentimentality, overemotional behavior, selfish/irresponsible behavior, weakness of character.
• When healthy, the Te function motivates people to assert/achieve mastery by efficiently removing obstacles and problems in the world. Therefore, TJs tend to be easily triggered by passivity, inefficiency, lack of planning/organization. When Te is underdeveloped or lower in the stack, it is more likely to be misunderstood and misused, which often leads people to get easily triggered by difficulties/challenges, setbacks/failures, application of impersonal rules and standards, purely objective decision-making (that ignores subjective experience).

Everyone experiences feelings and emotions, but not everyone deals with them in the same way. Sensitivity and openness to feelings and emotions is promoted by Feeling function development. In order to make good judgments and decisions that take into account psychological well-being, it is necessary to have a healthy F function and pay enough attention to feeling life. Therefore, a person’s relationship to feeling life is often predictable just by observing the level of development of their F function.

• A higher F function (dominant and auxiliary) is more likely to be healthy and used appropriately. However, the development of higher functions can be stunted for a variety of reasons, such as experiencing chronic abuse. In other words, the F function isn’t guaranteed to be healthy simply because of being higher in the stack, since environment plays a crucial role in type development. For instance: Fs raised in a toxic social environment tend to be emotionally dysfunctional; Ts raised in an emotionally conscious environment tend to manage emotions capably. 
• Regardless of type, when the F function is healthy or well-developed, a person tends to have decent to good emotional awareness. They are receptive and accepting of positive and negative feelings. They are capable of processing and expressing negative feelings and emotions in productive ways. They are more capable of empathy (accessing and understanding emotional motivations) as well as containing other people’s negative feelings and emotions. 
• Regardless of type, when the F function is unhealthy or poorly developed, a person tends to have poor to zero emotional awareness. They are less willing to accept negative feelings and often push back against them defensively. They use unproductive/unhealthy means to process or let out negative feelings and emotions. They are more likely to engage in childish, petty, vindictive, reckless, or destructive behavior due to easily losing control of their feelings and emotions. They are more likely to create interpersonal conflict due to the inability to empathize well.
• Fe types (FJ & TP) are more focused on overall emotional atmosphere, so they are often influenced into being emotional based on the emotional state of others. They are likely to have difficulty separating out what they really feel apart from what external factors influence them to feel. This often leads to drama as emotions easily get tangled up due to lack of emotional boundaries.
• Fi types (FP & TJ) are more focused on internal congruency of feelings, so they often act in accordance with their own pain and suffering. This makes them prone to projecting their judgments and assuming that others feel the same, which can lead to feelings of alienation or abandonment whenever they discover the truth that they are alone in their feelings.

Thinkers are more likely to devalue feelings and emotions when making decisions, perhaps viewing them as interfering with objectivity, impartiality, or competent action. Therefore, on average, Ts have a tendency to perceive emotional life negatively, unless they have specifically worked on emotional intelligence, F function development, or were raised in a social environment that nurtured emotional maturity.

• All things being equal, Ts have more trouble being aware of emotions, which can be a problem because emotions might manifest into behavior before they realize what is happening. This makes them prone to unintentionally escalating conflict, hurting people without realizing, and/or being in denial of their emotions. Since Ts are more likely to deny emotions while still being driven by them, their emotional behaviors are often perceived by others as “cold”, i.e., acting in ways that do not properly take feelings and emotions into account.
• All things being equal, Fs have better awareness of emotions, however, being aware of emotions does not mean that they are able to manage emotions well (remember that EI is a learned skill). They might act on emotions too quickly and escalate situations, use emotions to justify negative behavior, and/or be unaware of how confused/incoherent their behavior really is (due to lack of T development). Since Fs are more likely to detect and use emotion-related information, their emotional behaviors are often perceived by others as “heated”, i.e., acting in ways that seem over the top or out of control. 

These differences in how Ts and Fs are perceived have led to the common personality stereotypes: Ts believe Fs to be more emotional than they really are and Fs believe Ts to be less emotional than they really are. However, assuming an equal level of psychological maturity, the two are being equally emotional, they just express it differently with different consequences. Different types have different trigger patterns and different ways of expressing emotionality, but everyone possesses emotional drives and triggers.

People with well-developed and thus well-rounded personalities know how to use the T and F functions in a complementary rather than conflicting way. In order to achieve this balance, it is necessary to put the T and F functions in proper perspective:

• Both the Thinking and Feeling cognitive processes are rational decision making processes. The T function helps you analyze and strategize impartially. The F function helps you understand the values and concerns of the people involved in a situation.

You require both of these processes in order to make the best decision possible. You should not make a moral decision without factoring in how it will affect the people involved (excess of T), and you should not make an emotional decision that affects people if you have not found the strategy that produces the best outcome (excess of F).

Emotional intelligence intersects with social intelligence as soon as your emotions come through in behavior that affects others. Having good knowledge of emotional triggers grants you better control over yourself. Having good knowlege of other people’s emotional triggers grants you more opportunity to respond wisely and deescalate social tensions.

Getting to know someone well enough that you understand their emotional triggers is basically getting to know more about what they value in life. For example, if you know that someone values stability (Si), then it’s easy to figure out that they won’t like you constantly springing changes on them.

One reason personality type is such a popular concept is that it acknowledges legitimate differences in how people perceive situations and make judgments/decisions. The concept of personality type gives you a big-picture view of human beings and their diversity; we can come to appreciate different kinds of people, learn from different sorts of strengths, and show more empathy toward weaknesses because we all have them.

From this big picture perspective, it’s easier to see that what you value might be different from others, so you shouldn’t always expect people to think like you, feel like you, or agree with you. An important aspect of social intelligence is giving people the benefit of the doubt, which means suspending judgment of them until you have enough empirical evidence to make a sound judgment.

Try your best to understand the perspective of the person you are interacting with. When disagreement or dissent arises, it is easy to let emotions get the better of you. Taking the high road is hard because it requires good communication about differences and how to bridge them. Communication is impossible when people are too easily carried away by negative emotions into petty retaliation over differences. Good emotional intelligence manifests in good social intelligence when you know to rise above the emotions of the moment, create space for dialogue, and open up opportunities to improve mutual understanding.

When you react to emotional triggers, you’re basically using the lower part of your brain that is primarily concerned with self-preservation. You act reflexively to neutralize perceived threats. The alternative to “reacting” is to respond to emotional triggers. It means pausing a moment to reflect and use the deliberative parts of your brain to assess the situation more accurately and make decisions more rationally. This is why an important aspect of good emotional intelligence involves improving mental flexibility.

When situations don’t unfold the way you want, it’s not necessarily a “bad” thing. People get emotionally invested in wanting reality to be a certain way or to be “right” in the face of disagreement. Because of this emotional investment in your own beliefs and values, you might fail to realize that reality is fine as it is and things are happening as they ought to. In other words, you are not openminded enough to see alternative ways of approaching the situation.

There will inevitably be times when things go against your expectations because you can’t control everything in the world… but a setback might open up better paths for you to explore. There are times when people disagree because of having different beliefs and values… but it might be a great opportunity to get to know each other better and deepen the relationship. There are times when a mistake is made and it causes pain and suffering… but it might be a good chance to learn a lesson and grow from the experience. When you take more time to approach situations from different perspectives, you open up many more options and possibilities for handling them well.

When things don’t go your way, it’s important to take a deep breath and ask yourself: “Why am I so invested in this?”, or “Why do I care so much about what someone else is doing?”, or “Is there really only one way to do this?” By inquiring into your own intentions, you’re facing up to your feelings and trying to prevent emotional hijacking. If you answer the questions honestly, you might realize that your intentions are suspect and not really for the benefit of anyone. Maybe what’s really happening is that you don’t like feeling small or vulnerable, so you act out defensively to make yourself seem bigger or stronger.

There are times when being right is important because of the outcome, however, most of these situations still do not warrant uncontrolled emotional reactions. A neutral correction or objective communication would oftentimes suffice, rather than becoming anxious, controlling, aggressive, or laying into people for their mistakes. There is a difference between being right about something versus wanting everyone to acknowledge or affirm that you are right - one benefits the situation whereas the other only benefits your ego. Once you realize this, negative emotions often seem misplaced and easily dispelled.

An important aspect of becoming more mentally flexible is understanding that the way you perceive and interpret situations isn’t always complete or correct. 1) With regard to yourself, you might be misinterpreting your capabilities and underestimating how well you can cope. 2) With regard to outcomes, you might be misinterpreting situations as much more negative than they actually are.

As cold as it may seem, the universe is under no obligation to meet your expectations. The universe is neither good nor bad. It is the way you interpret events that gives rise to your feelings about good and bad. In order to transform negative emotions into something useful, it is important to reflect on whether there are other, equally valid interpretations that you’ve missed.

Let’s say you got dumped by a romantic partner you were deeply in love with. It would be normal to feel hurt, rejected, sad, angry, etc. However, if you broaden your perspective on the situation, you can start to see past those feelings and emotions. Being dumped by someone, in fact, means the two of you were not right for each other, regardless of what you want to believe. Choosing to ignore this fact and hold on to your outdated belief only prolongs your suffering and keeps you wallowing in negativity. Alternatively, you could look at the situation as a blessing in disguise. Instead of wasting more and more time and energy on a relationship that wasn’t working or on a person who wasn’t the right match for you, you are now freed up to look for something better.

Another example, let’s say you didn’t get that job you interviewed for. It would be normal to feel rejected or injured pride. However, if you broaden your perspective on the situation, you’ll start to see that not getting the job isn’t a personal attack on you. There are numerous factors behind the decision that have nothing to do with you. Maybe the position was always going to be an internal hire and the competition wasn’t fair from the start. Maybe the interviewers felt your values were incompatible with their organization’s values and it’s nobody fault. By taking the situation too personally, your understanding is incomplete, and it makes you blind to the impersonal factors that would help you get over the setback. Alternatively, you could look at the situation as having dodged a bullet, i.e., you didn’t get stuck in a job that wasn’t the right fit.

Emotions are yours. You generated them. It’s your responsibility to process them properly. Many people react to emotional life defensively, by trying to suppress or eliminated unwanted feelings. Unfortunately, this only pushes them into the unconscious mind where they drive you from a darker place. While pushing away feelings and emotions can bring some psychological relief in the moment, developing a habit of pushing away recurring feelings and emotions can create unhealthy mental patterns over time, often referred to as psychological defense mechanisms (see the article on Defense Mechanisms for more detail mbti-notes.tumblr.com/defense). Defense mechanisms are largely unconscious strategies people use to avoid or distance from uncomfortable, unpleasant, or threatening stimuli. Defense mechanisms allow you to deflect or defer problems for a time, but this usually just allows them to fester and worsen.

The healthier way to approach feelings and emotions is to acknowledge them, accept them as yours, let them flow more naturally without resistance, listen to what they are communicating without judgment or shame, and learn from them important information about how you should proceed.

Feelings and emotions provide crucial data about the state of your well-being and the state of your relationship to the world. Being unable to access this data because of pushing it away is like trying to sail after throwing your compass into the sea. You’ll lose touch with yourself and become unable to care well for yourself. How can you make fully conscious choices if so much of what motivates you remains buried in the unconscious? When that happens, your thinking and behavior becomes automatic, rote, and inflexible.

Feelings and emotions are simple psychological messages, so they do not and should not define who you are. Negative emotions tell you that something might be wrong - not that something is inherently wrong with you. If you believe that a negative emotion is a reflection of your quality or worth, perhaps an indication that you are “broken” or “defective”, then the existence of that emotion only serves as a recurring reminder of your imperfections, and who wouldn’t instinctively want to push those painful reminders away? But if you approach negative feelings and emotions matter-of-factly, as simple messages regarding your psychological well-being, then all you need to do is reflect on what’s wrong and how to resolve it. Negative feelings tell you that life isn’t going in the direction you’d like. Heed that message. When you take time to listen to what feelings are saying and change yourself and/or your life in ways that show you’ve really heard the message, those feelings will naturally dissipate without the use of any force.

In life, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is a choice that stems from an unwillingness to face the facts of your situation. Facts are morally and emotionally neutral. Negative feelings and emotions are just there to convey, “I don’t like these facts”, and it is the task of emotional intelligence to respond appropriately. Here are some strategies for responding to negative feelings and emotions that are proven to be constructive and productive, even transformative:

• Processing: Talk through your feelings and emotions with someone you trust, someone who can offer you empathy and support. This allows feelings to flow out of you and decrease in intensity, thereby allowing you to approach situations with a clearer head.
• De-personalize: When you take things too personally, zoom out and look at the impersonal aspects of the situation. Sometimes, it’s easier to move on from a negative event when you can chalk it up to bad luck, bad timing, or bad circumstances beyond your control.
• Reframe: Look at a problem situation from many different perspectives or vantage points. This ensures you get a more complete and accurate understanding from which to make judgments and decisions. It’s often the case that a change in perspective changes your feelings.
• Objectivity: Are you underestimating your ability to cope and/or interpreting a situation as much more negative than it actually is? This can be remedied by always remembering to balance your negative judgments with positive ones. By being more objective in your view of situations, you’re more likely to discover the positive side, hopeful possibilities, or silver linings that can help you feel better.
• Gratitude: An effective way to rise up out of negative feelings is to place more focus on positive feelings and the rewards they bring. Instead of getting fixated on the negative, quickly shift your focus to the things in your life that are good, affirming, nurturing, or promising. Engage with activities that make you feel good to be alive and help you appreciate the positive aspects of the world around you. Expressing gratitude is a great way to maintain emotional equilibrium no matter the circumstances.
• Resolution: When an event haunts you, it means something about it remains unresolved. If it’s possible to obtain better closure on the situation, do so. It’s easier to move on when you can finally leave the past in the past.
• Assertiveness: If a situation bothers you because you felt as though you didn’t do enough, learn the lesson. Being too meek or passive in life means it’s hard to feel proud of who you are because you never make much of a difference when it really matters. Vow to be more proactive and find ways in daily life to practice asserting yourself.
• Acceptance: Accept the things you can’t control or can’t change instead of wasting time on them. This allows you to focus solely on the factors that are within your power to influence, thus allowing you to feel more confident about overcoming difficult situations.
• Adaptability: Nurture an attitude of making lemonade out of lemons. Negative situations can sometimes be turned around and made into something better than you originally envisioned. Make better use of your resources. Try a different strategy. Adjust your direction.
• Self-Improvement: Treat difficulties and challenges as good opportunities for learning and growth. In this way, no matter what happens, you’ll be able to extract something good from it and use it to better yourself, which increases your chances of future success.
• Self-Expression: Channel negative feelings and emotions into meaningful avenues such as creative arts or physical activities.
• Service and Devotion: Use your experience as a springboard for helping others. Making a positive contribution to your community or society can help you regain your footing, reconnect you to social support, and rebuild confidence in your capabilities.
• Philosophy of Life: Examine the ideas, beliefs, and values that have guided your decision making and whether they have led you in a good direction. Change your philosophy of life as necessary to move in a better direction. Use big-picture thinking to live life with more purpose.